Dealing with conflict
In today’s society, conflict is inevitable. You can observe its forms in breakdowns of communication and its consequences. Conflict occurs on the micro (interpersonal), mezzo (organizational) and macro (societal) levels. Conflict can precipitate strong emotions and its interpersonal dynamics can be analyzed and understood. But, what happens when people act irrationally, selfishly or maliciously? The targets of those desires often pay the price with greater suffering.
In Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (or DBT) there are several “pillars” that create the foundational skills and underpin the various mechanism of action (the how of therapy). These include mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness. Marsha Linehan (the ‘founder’ of DBT, who was also its first recipient) conceptualized DBT as holding both acceptance and change together. Originally developed for usage with clients with BPD (borderline personality disorder) it can be used for a variety of concerns (from Bipolar Disorder, Eating disorders, Anger, etc). This duality is what births change- the recognition of pain as well as the commitment to reduce the helplessness that often gets linked to it, in order to improve our own resiliency.
Getting back to DBT, these “pillars” can be utilized to find a “third” way or tap into our “wise mind” when our emotions swing to either too intense or the opposite too “logical”. Sometimes, people in our lives dont always act rationally, respectfully or with our best interests in mind. It is up to us to decide who we want to become and what we tolerate (or not). DBT is one approach to assist us with our goals and navigating conflict.
Sometimes, exercise is a great way to get out strong emotions and help to regulate our nervous system when it becomes overly activated. You can go for a walk, get your cardio up, dance, clean your space up, take your dog for a walk, etc. Notice how it feels when the emotion passes, as all emotions ebb and flow. The pain will pass if you intentionally devote time to healing and with healthy supports.
Also, practicing self-compassion during a conflict while validating that you have the right to your emotions is important. Just because you feel strongly about something and it was invalidated, does not mean you cannot receive validation for the emotion itself. It might mean that an old wound has been activated (when the invalidating experience occurred) or that you need to communicate your needs differently and more assertively going forward. Healing from emotionally upsetting experiences may take time, but you are worth the effort.
As always, if you require support during your journey of healing, I am available to assist you! You can book a free 15 minute phone consultation online at www.saradesouza.ca
Sara de Souza, MSW, RSW
Individual & Couples Therapist