Healing from Infidelity in Relationships

In relationships we make a contract (either formally or informally) to maintain the boundaries around which the relationship respects. But, what happens when those boundaries become blurred, forgotten, taken for granted or ignored completely? Tension, resentment, lack of trust, hurt, anger (even rage), sadness (even depression) might occur. In couples counselling, I have worked with partners in which a betrayal of trust has occurred. These betrayals are an erosion to the foundation of the Sound Relationship House (Gottman Institute, 2023). The Gottmans conceptualized the Sound Relationship House to comprise two main “pillars” of trust and commitment along with several “floors” that maintain the quality of the relationship itself. When an infidelity occurs, these two foundational pillars are compromised and thus the overall integrity of the relationship is at risk.

How does couples therapy approach infidelity?

According to the Gottman Method, if an infidelity occurs then the therapist must be informed (either at the beginning or when it becomes revealed). Gottman-trained therapists will normally request that the affair be ended before providing couples counselling as it would be contraindicated. You cannot provide therapy if one half of the relationship is not fully committed to the process itself and an affair questions that commitment if it is not completely over. Next, the therapist will ensure that the person who cheated informs the Hurt Partner of the betrayal itself. The therapist holds space for the hurt partner to express their feelings in session and the therapy begins.

The Process of Healing

Sometimes, the Hurt Partner will not be ready to enter into therapy with the Betrayer partner right away. In these cases, the betrayer partner is encouraged to seek out individual therapy until the Hurt Partner can come on board. The individual sessions can allow the hurt partner to process their grief. If the Betrayer does not attempt to make amends / shows no remorse, then couples counselling may be contraindicated and the hurt partner will not be able to trust the Betrayer again.

Flooding

Healing and rebuilding a relationship after a trust betrayal can take time, effort and energy. Sometimes, the hurt partner can display signs of PTSD. PTSD may take on the form of “flooding” causing one to become hypervigilant and go into “fight, flight, freeze” mode. The hurt partner might start to interpret actions as attacks, have explosive reactions or shutdown or escalate situations. The Hurt Partner’s nervous system is overwhelmed and as such requires that both parties take a break, do self-soothing and reconvene when they are able to engage again (if this occurs at home for example).

Self-soothing Examples

If you are experiencing intense fears or the desire to check where your partner is/what they are doing, then you might be experiencing hypervigilance. If this is the case, it would be important to have an honest discussion with your partner and potentially seek out therapy to assist in this process. Independently you might have tried to take care of yourself but without frank discussion about the impact that the betrayal has had on you, your healing might take longer. It is essential that the Betrayer Partner listen to the Hurt Partner and make amends so that relationship 2.0 can begin.

Atone, Attune & Attach

After the Betrayer Partner begins to make amends, reconnect with their partner and truly listen to their needs, feelings and hurt, then the couple can focus on re-attaching in a healthier way. Developing new rituals of connection, shared meanings, showing fondness / admiration and appreciation are all ways to nourish the attachment needs of the relationship. The Gottman Method teaches that often both partners feel a lack of “feeling cherished” leading up to the affair itself. The antidote to a lack of feeling appreciated and cherished is to build more opportunities to re-connect once the trust is being re-established. The very last part to change is the sexual relationship itself (especially if the betrayal was sexual in nature). Only once trust and commitment is re-established, and in a place where the Hurt Partner feels safe again, can the couple begin to heal this area. It may take a significant amount of time for this to occur and the betrayer partner must be patient. The work, effort and commitment to heal from traumatic experiences is something that requires an honest effort and being vulnerable with one another.

If you would like support to work on infidelity, trust, commitment concerns please contact me to book an initial telephone consultation.

Sara de Souza, MSW, RSW
Individual & Couples Therapist