Dating Digitally

In today’s day and age how we connect and communicate has been transformed by the advent of technology, specifically dating applications. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld, Coffee & Bagel, etc are all dating apps that people 18+ can easily download. Discerning how to navigate an app, in the world of dating, is a topic I’d like to discuss here.

Firstly, most apps require a photograph to start a profile. People enter into the spectacle of impression management. Many people want to portray a certain image of themselves. However, images can never capture context, time or authenticity. Tinder for example does not allow captions, but Hinge allows for “prompts” to try and narrate the photograph albeit in witty decontextualized ways. You might also have situations where “catfishing” occurs when people post pictures of someone other than themselves and lie about their actual identity. Discovering you have been “catfished” can then feel like a waste of time to the person while the "catfish” gets away with it.

To prevent catfishing you might consider limiting your online interactions until you meet in person so you weed out potential catfish. So, you meet up with the person and it goes well and you exchange numbers. Assuming that your date has provided a real name and phone number that is. People need to realize that you are meeting a complete stranger and unless you are 100% ready to reveal your surname and further details, it is completely fine to provide a first name only. People need to also realize that if you are not feeling comfortable on a date, you should not feel any obligation to exchange phone numbers either. This is where “ghosting” can happen.

Ghosting occurs when you are planning on continuing a conversation (online or in-person) and the person abruptly stops talking to you with no explanation. Sometimes ghosting occurs when someone deletes an app without notifying their matches. But, the type of ghosting I’m referring to is when you are connecting with someone and they stop communication altogether, say perhaps via text messaging. For example, you could be preparing to meet and they suddenly stop responding to your messages effectively avoiding any further interactions with you. Some people ghost because they do not want to reject the other person outright either, but do not think any other explanation is needed. Some people have combined catfishing and ghosting. The practice itself can leave people frustrated and hurt. It is important to take care of your mental health and not to personalize anything that another person does unless you believe a genuine mistake has occured.

The feeling of “wasted time” can lead one to become bitter as well as less willing to engage and make an effort in dating. People can also become cognitively overwhelmed if they become too focused on swiping mindlessly and not considering each person as a potential date. It is best to carefully limit the amount of people you match with to avoid overloading yourself. Also, ensure you are drawing boundaries with your time especially between dates when texting, talking on the phone, or video chatting.

Also, consider your state of mind when using dating apps. If you are not in the headspace to actually go on in-person dates, it is best to delay meeting until you are feeling more present. I believe that learning from each experience will only make you more discerning but it’s important to take care of your mental health. If you are starting to feel depressed, anxious, or are struggling with your self-esteem, it might be time to take a break altogether from the apps and/or delete them. Dating is supposed to be fun and healthy and not a nightmare. Dating in the 21st century is the Wild West and you must be careful as well to consider your sexual health.

Ensuring you and potential matches discuss STI testing, safer sex, your relationship type, your expectations and have clear and healthy communication will go a long way. Ensure you are protecting your energy and leading a balanced life outside of dating. Are you attending to your self-care, hobbies, friends/family, etc? Dating apps can consume you if you are not.

Lastly, if dating apps are not your thing, you can always meet people organically. Joining common social activities like Meet Up groups; via social events, sports, on vacation, etc is still possible. Dating app culture has definitely impacted how people interact with each other. It is not healthy to constantly be on the look out for “something better”. Rather, we need to treat each person as a new opportunity with the wisdom we have learned from our past experience. It is important to ensure transparency and taking your time to avoid rushing into hasty decisions. Knowing what you want and discussing healthy expectations is important.

Some things to consider before going on a date:

*do you know their first name and have at least a sense of what they look like?

*meet in a public place, ensure someone knows where you are if possible

*avoid providing details until you are comfortable (i.e. surname, phone number, place of employment)

*there is no pressure to be physical (remember it is important to ensure your physical health especially before engaging sexually, STI testing is highly recommended)

*share as little or as much as you are comfortable remembering that it is a first date

*reflect on your consumption of alcohol and limit it accordingly to ensure healthy boundaries remain in place, you cannot make informed decisions if you are highly intoxicated

During the date itself…

*what commonalities do you have, differences?

*what are you looking for in terms of relationship type (partner, casual, etc)?

*what have their experiences of dating been so far?

*what are their views on monogamy, polyamory, etc? What relationship structure are they and you looking for? Are they compatible?

*do you feel a spark/chemistry/attraction? Is this common for you? Uncommon?

*if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, do not feel pressure to stay. You can let the other person know you are ending the date and politely leave after paying your share. You are under no obligation to continue, remember your feelings matter!

*if you experience anxiety are you able to manage it, what do you need to ensure you’re comfortable? Perhaps consider asking more questions if you are nervous opening up about yourself at first.

After the first date somethings to consider:

*are you comfortable with exchanging phone numbers?

*do you want to continue talking to the person or would you prefer to stop contact?

*if you are considering future sexual interactions- when was your last STI test. If you have never been tested, consider doing it as it is important to prevent transmission through education & awareness. Contact your family doctor to ask for a requisition, they are free and covered by OHIP

If you had a successful date and are going on your next date and future ones, I wish you all the best! If you would like support during your journey and feel that you need therapy to process your experiences and your overall mental health concerns, please contact me.

Happy dating!

Sara de Souza, MSW, RSW

Individual & Couples Therapist